The Ephemeric

Did we even have a summer this year? I have had neither the time off, nor the good weather here in London. Nevertheless, I have been informed by my assistant that it is now August, and as such we are approaching the start of the new season of football.

As per usual the Ephemeric is here to run the rule over every team in the Premier League and render a few solid predictions. Read on for the ultimate preview of what awaits us these next nine months.




Premier League 2011/12 in a nutshell:
Champions: Manchester United
Champions League qualifiers: Manchester United, Manchester City, Chelsea, Arsenal
Europa League qualifiers (via final league position): Liverpool, (others depending on cup + fair play)
Relegated: Swansea, Wigan, QPR
Golden Boot winner: Wayne Rooney (Man U)
Golden Glove winner: Petr Cech (Chelsea)
Player to watch: David Silva (Man City)
New signing to watch: Sergio Agüero (Man City)
Young player to watch: Daniel Sturridge (Chelsea)
First manager to get the sack: Steve Kean (Blackburn)
Shock of the season: Arsene Wenger leaves Arsenal



ARSENAL

Nickname: The Gunners
Ground: Emirates Stadium
Capacity: 60,000
Position last season: 4th
Manager: Arsene Wenger

The better part of a decade has now gone by without Arsene Wenger’s men bringing home any silverware. The “club in transition” excuses have long since dried up, and it’s getting to the point where simply shrugging one’s shoulders and pointing toward empty coffers for an explanation will no longer cut the mustard with the Arsenal faithful

That’s where porn-star-moustachioed new owner Stan Kroenke comes in, to give the club a bit more of the financial clout that is so important in this day and age. Arsenal fans have so far been resistant to any such spending (years of self-righteous bitterness toward the League's sugar daddies may be a factor here) but even the hardest of hardcore now seem willing to admit that such action is necessary if the club want to catch up with the top tier teams.

Of course, transfer spending is not the only area where Kroenke can make a difference. The faster the club’s massive stadium debts are paid off, the faster they can realise the income potential of such an asset. With Kroenke’s investment and the Emirates’ stadium income, Arsenal FC stand to be in a very strong financial position in a few years’ time, where the only thing holding them back will be their relatively minuscule commercial revenue. For that to pick up, they’ll have to actually start winning things.

On the personnel front, the club faces a real challenge with the threat of mass exodus of key players including Fabregas and Nasri, with Clichy already out the door. Robin Van Persie is likely to take the arm band in the near future as an increasingly heavy weight is placed upon the Dutchman’s shoulders, Arsenal fans will be hoping that he doesn’t begin to get similar ideas of greener pastures abroad.

Key Signing: Gervinho
Key Man: Robin Van Persie
If they were a car: A Daihatsu Copen, sporty, pretty to look at whilst being very economical, but in reality it's just a lemon.

Verdict: Can still challenge if their more established rivals falter in a big way or suffer catastrophic injuries, but will likely be more concerned about keeping their top 4 position with the likes of Liverpool and Tottenham breathing down their necks.


ASTON VILLA

Nickname: The Villans
Ground: Villa Park
Capacity: 42,593
Last season: 9th
Manager: Alex McLeish

Never quite recovered from the bombshell of Martin O’Neill’s resignation, but the writing had been on the wall for a long time with the unpopular departures of key players to bigger clubs. They face a similar problem once again with the likes of Ashley Young and Stewart Downing already leaving this summer and the threat of further exits down the road.

New manager Alex McLeish is undoubtedly good at what he does, but begins his job amid a fire of controversy following the fracas that has arisen from his switch between the club and bitter arch rivals Birmingham. He has a lot to prove after suffering relegation last season, even more so now with the additional undesired attention and the scepticism of the fans.

On the other side of the transfer market the club have done some good business already this summer. Villa have pulled of something of a coup with the signing of Shay Given, unquestionably one of the best goalkeepers in the league who was only kept out of a strong Manchester City side by the quality of Joe Hart. However Given has his work cut out for him, stepping into the shoes of Brad Friedel. Meanwhile Wigan’s star player Charles N’Zogbia has made a big money switch to the Villans in what could prove to be a shrewd reinforcement for the club.

Key Signing: Shay Given
Key Man: Darren Bent
If they were a car: They would be down at the chop shop, selling off spare parts without a care in the world for whether or not she will ever drive again.

Verdict: If N’Zogbia can supply Bent with a steady stream of chances, Europa League qualification is a strong possibility.


BLACKBURN ROVERS

Nickname: Rovers
Ground: Ewood Park
Capacity: 31,367
Last season: 15th
Manager: Steve Kean

Steve Kean managed to save the club from relegation last season, but the fact remains that they weren't even under threat of going down until Sam Allardyce's shock sacking. Kean has much to prove this season, and the same has to be said for Blackburn's wealthy new owners who have taken a lot of flack for this controversial decision.

A good start to the season will be crucial to calm nerves and ensure the club doesn't get sucked down into another relegation battle. However fans would be wise to start preparing for the worst.

A bright prospect has left the club in Phil Jones, and rumours persist linking Chris Samba with a move away to a bigger club. Radosav Petrović, meanwhile, is an interesting signing of whom much will be expected.

Key Signing: Radosav Petrović
Key Man: Chris Samba (if he stays)
If they were a car: A jeep where the engine has inexplicably been traded for that of an electric scooter.

Verdict: A tough season ahead which could well see the team dragged into another relegation fight.


BOLTON WANDERERS

Nickname: Trotters
Ground: Reebok Stadium
Capacity: 27,879
Last season: 14th
Manager: Owen Coyle

Owen Coyle seems to have stabilised a club that has been in decline ever since the departure of one Sam Allardyce, but it'll be interesting to see how he can take them on from here.

Bringing Daniel Sturridge in on loan last season proved to be a very shrewd move, and the Chelsea youngster's 8 goals in 12 games played a big part in their improved form for the second half of the season. They'll be at a disadvantage then this season without Sturridge, who is set to make a breakthrough at Stamford Bridge.

Coyle has wasted no time in snapping up a few bargains this season, including Nigel Reo-Coker on a free transfer, but he'll desperately need more firepower up front to play off of Kevin Davies if he is to assure a comfortable mid table finish.

Of equal concern will be the persistent rumours linking Gary Cahill with a move away from the Reebok, a loss which would have quite an impact on the club's back line.

Key Signing: Nigel Reo-Coker
Key Man: Kevin Davies
If they were a car: Honda insight. Hardly the most glamorous out there, but dependable, and in the hands of a skilled driver can even challenge the big boys.

Verdict: Consistency is key to prevent club from going backwards.


CHELSEA

Nickname: Blues
Ground: Stamford Bridge
Capacity: 42,449
Last season: 2nd
Manager: André Villas-Boas

Last season was the perfect summary of the consistency problems that plagued the club under the reign of Carlo Ancelotti, from record breaking winning runs to record breaking winless runs, and the unsurprising result was a trophiless year.

The club has pulled off something of a coup in appointing Villas-Boas, the treble winning Porto manager who was being tapped as Pep Guardiola's replacement at Barcelona next year until he was poached by his former employers at Chelsea. Villas-Boas brings a more stylish flair-based approach to football to the club, but only time will tell if he's really ready for such a big step up. Either way, patience will be needed from the fans and the club owners.

There is no doubt that the team is in need of a serious shake up. It is surprising then that there has been so little transfer activity from the Blues this summer. So far only hot prospects Thibault Courtois, Oriol Romeu and Romelu Lukaku have been signed, with Courtois already off on loan for the season, and the others unlikely to play a major role in the first team just yet. Rumours persist of a move for Tottenham's Luka Modric, which would be a major boost to a club that lacks creativity in the midfield, but with such extortionate fees being quoted one must wonder why they don't seem to be considering other targets. Indeed, if the squad remains as it is now, it's hard to see the club having aspirations for anything beyond a top four finish.

On the plus side, youngsters like Daniel Sturridge and Josh McEachran appear ready for a breakthrough season, with the former in particular likely to play a big part in the team's drive for silverware. There is still a good deal of team building required here, Frank Lampard looks to be on his last legs and Didier Drogba is getting on in the years, but the club finally appears to be on the right track, arguably for the first time since the sacking of Mourinho.

Key Signing: So far, the manager.
Key Man: John Terry
If they were a car: A vintage Mercedes; expensive once upon a time, but after years of disuse is now having to subsist on budget replacement parts, currently missing a steering wheel.

Verdict: As always, predicting Chelsea's fortunes is an exercise in futility, but few would predict anything lower than third this season, and a title push an outside chance, but probably only if additional signings are made.


EVERTON

Nickname: Toffees
Ground: Goodison Park
Capacity: 40,170
Last season: 7th
Manager: David Moyes

Another year, and another big challenge for David Moyes who continues to purvey his unique magic levitating act on Everton with no budget. Indeed there are no transfers in so to speak, and nagging rumours that key players Phil Jagielka and Jack Rodwell could be off in the near future. Arguably though, such a loss would in fact be a good thing for Everton, who could then use the proceeds to buy a couple of new players, something that Moyes has always been adept at when presented with the funds.

This, plus stadium and ownership issues, has lent to a feeling of angst surrounding the club in the run up to the season, and one which could put a dampener on things once the action gets underway. There is the impression that the club has stagnated in recent years, and unfortunately for Toffees fans, that doesn't look like changing this season.

Key Signing: None yet
Key Man: Leighton Baines
If they were a car: The Magic School Bus, nobody quite knows how it does what it does, but there you go.

Verdict: Again, will probably be around the same place as they end up every year, barring a miracle or a disaster.


FULHAM

Nickname: Cottagers
Ground: Craven Cottage
Capacity: 26,000
Last season: 8th
Manager: Martin Jol

Mark Hughes appeared to be doing a good job at the club until his humorous self destruction over the summer. The reigns of power now pass over to Martin Jol, another seasoned hand with Premier League experience who will endeavour to take the club to the next level.

No major signings so far, aside from the reunion of the Riise brothers, this season, but then the squad is not such that it needs a major overhall. Fans will be hoping that Bobby Zamora can avoid the injury problems that have followed him, and that the impressive defensive combo of Brede Hangeland, Aaron Hughes and Mark Schwarzer continues in similar form. Most importantly will be the consistency of key performer Clint Dempsey, who seems to have hit his peak in recent years.

Ultimately it’s hard to see how the club can go any further than they have done, finishing a creditable 8th place last season, but similarly I would not expect them to face any real threat of being sucked into a battle for survival.

Key Signing: John Arne Riise
Key Man: Clint Dempsey
If they were a car: The “ghost of Michael Jackson” car... for obvious reasons.

Verdict: A comfortable mid table finish seems likely.


LIVERPOOL

Nickname: Reds
Ground: Anfield
Capacity: 45,362
Last season: 6th
Manager: Kenny Daglish

Liverpool have had a number of false dawns over the years, and following their sublime second half of the season last year, in which new manager Kenny Daglish turned their fortunes on a sixpence and ended up as the form team in the league, there is the feeling that a return to the big time is not far away.

In truth, not many would predict that the club are anywhere near ready to mount a sustained title challenge again, but a return to the Champions League certainly seems like a distinct possibility. Given that last Christmas they found themselves in the bottom half of the table, that’s quite the turnaround.

They have coped well following the loss of Fernando Torres, though perhaps eyebrows will be raised at the club’s decision to blow more than two times the Torres income (£45m) on largely unproven players like Andy Carroll (£35m), Jordan Henderson (£20), Stewart Downing (£20) and Luis Suarez (£23); although in the case of Suarez, the money appears to have been well spent, the jury is still out on the rest.

Following such a massive expenditure, expectations will surely begin to mount on Daglish. It will be upon him to gel the new players quickly, and maintain the form of present Liverpool stalwarts like Dirk Kuyt and Steven Gerrard, the latter of which is in desperate need of a good season after appearing to be on the decline over recent years. If Gerrard is unable to recover his form, a lot of will rest upon new signing Charlie Adam.

Key Signing: Stewart Downing
Key Man: Luis Suárez
If they were a car: Must... resist urge... to make scouser joke.

Verdict: A massive season for the club if they’re serious about returning to the glory days. Contention for a Champions League place is likely, will probably duke it out with Arsenal for 4th.


MANCHESTER CITY

Nickname: Blues
Ground: City of Manchester Stadium
Capacity: 48,000
Last season: 3rd
Manager: Roberto Mancini

No more excuses for nouveau riche club or it’s under pressure manager. Manchester City’s FA Cup triumph last season made it clear for all to see that the heavy investments are starting to pay off, and the next target has to be the Premier League crown.

Nobody doubts the quality of the squad that has been amassed here, at great expense, but real questions remain over how good a team they are together. It’s never a good way to the start the season with your club captain Carlos Tévez doing all he can to force his exit, even going so far as to publically declare that he will never again line up in Manchester blue.

His ostensible replacement Sergio Agüero is unproven at this level, and very inconsistent for both his former club and country, while Mario Balotelli is one of those players who will always make more headlines for his crazy shenanigans than for his footballing prowess, talented though he may be.

In addition Agüero, new signing Gaël Clichy offers perhaps a slight upgrade on Wayne Bridge, and it is widely expected that Samir Nasri will join any day now. If Nasri signs then Manchester City will have arguably one of the strongest clubs in the league, and one of the brightest midfield prospects in the world. However, the priority now has to be less on bringing in more signings and more on helping this current group of stars operate as a unit. The secret to Manchester United’s success has always been the strong dressing room atmosphere, a factor that inevitably pays dividends right at the crunch time of the season when it really counts. Arsenal’s invincibles had it, Chelsea under Mourinho had it, and Manchester City must find this quality if they want to be the best team in the country.

Key Signing: Sergio Agüero
Key Man: David Silva
If they were a car: A souped up Lamborghini from Fast and Furious, the owner constantly adding more flair and shiny things, but seemingly unconcerned with practicality.

Verdict: A big year for the club where many pundits are expecting great things, likely to mount a challenge, but would be a surprise if they managed to achieve the consistency required to actually win the thing.


MANCHESTER UNITED

Nickname: Red Devils
Ground: Old Trafford
Capacity: 76,000
Last season: Champions
Manager: Sir Alex Ferguson

Last season Manchester United were easily the best team in the league, but any suggestion that the club intend to sit on their laurels and content themselves with being the best on this side of the Channel can be ignored.

No, this year they face a bigger challenge: unseating Barcelona at the summit of European football. Following last season’s comfortable Champions League final defeat at the Catalan’s hands, Sir Alex has set himself the challenge of building a team that can go one step further in what may indeed prove to be his final project at Old Trafford before retirement.

Not only do they start off the season as the strongest in the league, but they have also been one of the more active in the transfer window, adding the likes of Ashley Young, Phil Jones, De Gea and potentially Wesley Sneijder. Considering the transfer activity of their rivals who begin in a worse position (Chelsea have yet to make a first team signing and Man City have only signed no-names and a Tevez-lite replacement) it's hard to see them having too much trouble in securing a record 20th title. Of the prominent players who were released this season, only the loss of Van der Sar weakens them somewhat from last season, and so a lot will depend on how quickly his replacement can adjust to life at Old Trafford.

Key Signing: Ashley Young
Key Man: Wayne Rooney
If they were a car: The Batmobile. Their super powered enemies usually get a head start, but once Batman gets going it would be unwise to bet against them.

Verdict: Have enough about them to defend their title so long as their new goalkeeper proves to be less Van der Gouw and more Van der Sar.


NEWCASTLE UNITED

Nickname: Magpies
Ground: St. James' Park
Capacity: 52,387
Last season: 12th
Manager: Alan Pardew

Mission accomplished last season in holding a comfortable mid table position and remaining in the top flight. Some may have questioned the dismissal of Chris Hughton, the manager who after all got them promoted and took them into the top half of the Premier League, although in Pardew they have placed themselves in safe hands. Eyebrows may also be raised by the club's transfer policy in selling the likes of Enrique and Carroll, but they have recruited well this summer with the signings of Demba Ba who impressed during the tail end of last season, and former Manchester United hot prospect Gabriel Obertan, who could turn out to be something of a coup for the club.

Survival shouldn't really be an issue this season, but at the same time I don't think anyone should be expecting a Europa League push either. Of greater concern will be the morale of players off the pitch. Considering the recent high profile shenanigans with Joey Barton who almost got free-transferred for criticising the club's management hierarchy, it only seems reasonable to ask questions of the perennially under fire club owner Mike Ashley, and whether his treatment of the senior players bodes ill for their prospects.

Key Signing: Demba Ba
Key Man: Joey Barton
If they were a car: The Prime Minister's car, as the owners of both club and car enjoy a similar level of popularity.

Verdict: Another mid table finish is on the cards.


NORWICH CITY

Nickname: The Canaries
Ground: Carrow Road
Capacity: 27,033
Last season: Promoted from Championship
Manager: Paul Lambert

Back to the big time for the Canaries, for the first time in six years they will compete in the top flight of English football. Manager Lambert has pulled off something really quite remarkable by securing back to back promotions for the club, but he will find that the Premier League is something completely different, and he will do well to ensure survival.

But this is not an impossible task, and indeed his business operations during the summer appear to be quite shrewd, ruthlessly cutting a lot of the lower league slack that remained on the books and bringing in some quite interesting talent, including former Everton striker James Vaughan, and the loan signings of Kyle Naughton (Spurs) and Ritchie De Laet (Man U) among others. The emphasis is certainly on young and hungry players, as opposed to experienced and over the hill, a stark contrast to the team building policy of many newly promoted teams.

A long season lies ahead, but Norwich are certainly not going to be pushovers, and it could well be that the next page of the script has them staying afloat this year.

Key Signing: James Vaughan
Key Man: Grant Holt
If they were a car: A circus clown car. Looks small, not really sure what's inside, but could spring a surprise or two.

Verdict: Staying in the Premier League will be a tough challenge, but if any newly promoted side looks to have a shot it's them.


QUEENS PARK RANGERS

Nickname: The Hoops
Ground: Loftus Road
Capacity: 18,360
Last season: Promoted from Championship
Manager: Neil Warnock

Fans rejoice, Neil Warnock has returned to the Premier League, and now that he is backed by the money of QPR it will be interesting to see what rants he comes up with this time around.

Transfer activity so far seems to be a mix of the good (Jay Bothroyd, DJ Campbell) and the sounds good on paper, but is actually bad (Kieron Dyer), while the club will be buoyed by the fact that much talked about (by his agent presumably) midfielder Adel Taraabt looks set to stay at the club for at least another six months, however the loss of Wayne Routledge, to another newly promoted team no less, is a blow.

This is the club's first season of top flight football in 15 years, since the early days of the Premier League, but their chances for survival appear threatened by a host of off the pitch tensions, created chiefly by their wealthy owners and the ongoing saga of takeover rumours, which has contributed to the present unwillingness to afford the squad the kind of investment that would make a positive season more likely. As it is, this is a team that still looks awfully lower league.

Key Signing: Jay Bothroyd
Key Man: Adel Taraabt
If they were a car: A hatchback entering into an F1 race, with two elderly ladies driving, bickering over control of the wheel.

Verdict: Survival is going to be a very tall ask for the club, despite Warnock's best efforts. Get ready for the press conference fireworks now.


STOKE

Nickname: Potters
Ground: Britannia Stadium
Capacity: 28,384
Last season: 13th
Manager: Tony Pulis

Pulis continues to do almighty work at Stoke, punching above their weight and particularly pulling out the stops against the big teams.

So far the only incoming transfer activity has been Jonathan Woodgate. If he can stay fit, he will be a fine addition to the already formidable Stoke defence, and a threat going forward for set pieces, still the mainstay of Stoke goalscoring. Rumours abound for some additional attacking threat along the lines of a Carlton Cole or a Cameron Jerome, but as of yet no move has materialised. The expectation then should be for more of the same from one of the more consistent teams in the Premier League these days.

The key central defensive duo of Shawcross and Huth seems to grow stronger with each passing game, and the emergence of Asmir Begovic in goal has been something of a triumph for the club now entering its fourth consecutive season of top flight football. If it ain't broke don't fix it, but one has to wonder, how long can Stoke keep playing at this level without trying to evolve the squad and style of play.

Thanks to last year's appearance in the FA Cup final, Stoke will also be involved in European competition this season, adding further challenges to the already congested schedule of a Premier League club. It will be the most telling indication yet of Stoke's durability as a top flight club to see how they cope with the additional pressure.

Key Signing: Jonathan Woodgate
Key Man: Asmir Begovic
If they were a car: A Rory Delap shaped catapult… that's close enough to a car, right?

Verdict: Aiming for status quo in the face of new challenges.


SUNDERLAND

Nickname: Black Cats
Ground: Stadium of Light
Capacity: 48,300
Last season: 10th
Manager: Steve Bruce

Steve Bruce is a good manager and he has crafted a decent club out of the collection of Sunderland misfits he inherited, one that has long since forgotten about ensuring Premier League survival and one that now sets its sights on Europa League qualification. The challenge this season will be to combat the club's habit of inconsistency in order to progress still further.

The sale of Darren Bent was a big loss for the club, but the signing of much hyped striker Connor Wickham offers a great deal of potential, both for a player looking for space to develop, and for a club looking for someone to partner the erratic Asamoah Gyan. Meanwhile decent signings have been made in other positions including the likes of Craig Gardner and Sebastian Larsson.

If this is to be a good year, Sunderland will finish top seven and mount a creditable cup run, on the other end of the hypothetical spectrum, they might finish around 15th. My prediction? Well see below.

Key Signing: Connor Wickham
Key Man: Lee Cattermole
If they were a car: The Smartcar, small, unassuming and attracts derision from many, but surprisingly solid, and quietly gathering momentum… and then they break down for no apparent reason.

Verdict: Push for a Europa League place, but top 10 finish should be the minimum aim.


SWANSEA CITY

Nickname: The Swans
Ground: Liberty Stadium
Capacity: 20,532
Last season: Promoted from Championship
Manager: Brendan Rodgers

Cue the hysteria, we have the first ever Welsh club in the Premier League. Oh, what's that you say? No one gives a toss? Right then moving on…

Ex-Chelsea youth coach Brendan Rodgers is quickly making a name for himself as a manager. Rodgers was quick to poach the cream of the unwanted Chelsea youngster crop with the likes of Fabio Borini and Scott Sinclair lighting up the Championship, and last season his attractive Swansea side were the final team to clinch promotion to the Premier League through the playoff system. Even though Borini is now gone, he has strengthened his side well with the likes of Wayne Routledge and Leroy Lita, while the attacking forces of Nathan Dyer and Luke Moore make perfectly clear the intention to fight for survival playing attractive, attacking football. It's a similar tactic to the one Blackpool employed last season, so best of luck to them.

Whatever happens, this is a team that's likely to be fighting for survival come the end of the season, and while their style of play will win many fans and make them a popular choice for avoiding the drop as with Blackpool last year, the odds are that they too will find the step up to the top flight one too many.

Key Signing: Wayne Routledge
Key Man: Scott Sinclair
If they were a car: Alpha Romeo, aspiring for style and panache, but clearly lower league under the hood.

Verdict: A favourite for relegation despite their ambitious style.


TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR

Nickname: Spurs
Ground: White Hart Lane
Capacity: 36,236
Last season: 5th
Manager: Harry Redknapp

Tottenham under Harry Redknapp have far too often turned out to be the "almost but not quite" club. A rare piece of silverware, a first foray into the Champions League after threatening to break through for so many years, but last season saw a step backward for the club. With the level of competition toward the top of the league being what it is now, there are realistically six clubs fighting for the four Champions League qualification places, and arguably three of them fighting for just one place. Tottenham is one of those clubs, and compared to their rivals, they would appear to have the longest shot.

On top of this it is often overlooked that Tottenham have been among the biggest spenders in the league for many years now with very little to show for it, and considering the lack of major changes this summer, it is hard to see this changing. The one big improvement is the recruitment of a consistent, and excellent goalkeeper in Brad Friedel to replace the gaffe prone Gomes. No noteworthy departures as of yet, but rumours persist linking Luka Modric with a move to Stamford Bridge in the near future. Such a loss would clearly have a big impact on the squad, and on player morale for that matter, although the potential transfer fee would easily allow Redknapp to bring in a few replacements.

Make no mistake, Tottenham are certainly in contention for Champions League qualification this season, but it seems unlikely unless both Arsenal and Liverpool have massively underwhelming seasons.

Key Signing: Brad Friedel
Key Man: Luka Modric
If they were a car: Lotus Elise, costs way more than it should, in equal parts frustrating and delightful.

Verdict: Finishing outside the top six would be a bad result for the club, but pushing into that all important top four may be too much to ask.


WEST BROMWICH ALBION
Latest club news

Nickname: Baggies
Ground: The Hawthorns
Capacity: 26,500
Last season: 11th
Manager: Roy Hodgson

The dismissal of Roberto Di Matteo came as a surprise considering the fact that the newly promoted club (which he got promoted at the first time of asking) was positioned against all odds in the top half of the Premier League table at the time, however they have replaced him well with Roy Hodgson, a man whose disastrous tenure at Liverpool takes nothing away from his ability as a small-team manager. Hodgson duly did what he does best and ensured survival and even a comfortable mid table finish.

Once upon a time next big thing Scott Carson has been moved on, and another once upon a time next big thing Ben Foster has been brought in as his replacement, a definite improvement as far as we're concerned. Elsewhere, star striker Odemwingie looks set to carry the team's front line again, as no partner has been brought in as of yet. Hodgson looks as though he might even play with just the one up front, having brought in a number of new midfielders, including Shane Long who impressed for Reading in the Championship last season.

Captain Chris Brunt continues to be influential on the right, with Mulumbu sits in front of the back line with his intelligent play and fine passing, while Jerome Thomas completes a solid midfield. This is not a team that's ready to push for the Europa League just yet, but one that is probably good enough to avoid the drop.

Key Signing: Shane Long
Key Man: Peter Odemwingie
If they were a car: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, something delightful about the old codger in charge, who manages to craft something quite special from not much at all.

Verdict: Another finish in the lower half of the table looks likely, probably not quite stuck in the relegation battle.


WIGAN ATHLETIC

Nickname: Latics
Ground: JJB Stadium
Capacity: 25,000
Last season: 16th
Manager: Roberto Martinez

Wigan defied the odds, and an atrocious start to the season, by securing survival on the last day of the season in dramatic fashion. It may take another late miracle to prevail again, as the coming season looks like another long one for the club.

Securing Ali Al-Habsi is a big coup for the club, but much more will be needed to shore up the leakiest defence in the league. Meanwhile the loss of Charles N'Zogbia and the return of Tom Cleverley to Manchester United are both big losses for the team's attacking efforts. As of yet no ready replacements have been signed, which will probably mean that the burden of responsibility rests with Victor Moses and Rodallega.

Given the number of years that this club has survived against the odds, one would think that a turnaround in fortunes is long since due, however the opposite appears more likely and Wigan fans have every reason to worry.

Key Signing: Ali Al-Habsi
Key Man: Hugo Rodallega
If they were a car: A golf, with required pit stops every few miles, its engine on the last legs.

Verdict: Wigan's luck could run out this season.


WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS

Nickname: Wolves
Ground: Molineux Stadium
Capacity: 28,525
Last season: 17th
Manager: Mick McCarthy

Wolves face a tall order to remain in the Premier League, once again. However, Mick McCarthy is a good manager and he has done impressive work with Wolves for the last couple of years. He has also invested well. with Steven Fletcher coming in from Burnley, and Birmingham's impressive Roger Johnson coming in to bolster the back line.

But in today's Premier League where the quality of even the lower tier teams seems to improve with each passing year, that may not be enough. Johnson, while impressive for Birmingham, rarely got called out for his inconsistency, and here he is joining a defence that is already notoriously inconsistent. Meanwhile Wolves' attack was the least productive in the league last season, and while Fletcher and Doyle might sound like a convincing attacking pair together, it won't count for much without some additional quality in the midfield to create chances.

Key Signing: Roger Johnson
Key Man: Kevin Doyle
If they were a car: A Fiat. 60% of the time, it works every time… except that it's more like 20%.

Verdict: Another tough season ahead, which is likely to involve a struggle for survival.


Predicted table:
1. Manchester United
2. Manchester City
3. Chelsea
4. Arsenal
5. Liverpool
6. Tottenham
7. Everton
8. Sunderland
9. Stoke City
10. Aston Villa
11. Fulham
12. Newcastle United
13. Bolton
14. West Brom
15. Norwich
16. Blackburn
17. Wolverhampton Wanderers
18. Swansea City
19. Wigan
20. Queens Park Rangers

Directed by Howard Davies
Written by Anton Chekhov (Original), Andrew Upton
Starring Zoë Wanamaker, Conleth Hill, Kenneth Cranham
Theatre National Theatre, Olivier



I will begin by saying that Anton Chekhov is one of my favourite playwrights, possibly the favourite, while the Cherry Orchard is one of his most revered plays, considered by many to be his best.

Set at a time of social upheaval, characterised by the rise of the middle class and the fall of the nobility, the Cherry Orchard follows a formerly wealthy family that has been ravaged by debt, as they return home to the family estate to be present as it is auctioned off to pay the mortgage.

Just as the landed gentry at the time were cost by their refusal to face up to the changing times, so does this family ignore all warnings in order to perpetuate the fantasy of permanent status. But the march of "progress" proved to be unstoppable, as presaged here in Chekhov's visionary work.

It’s always a risk when you take such a play that has been done, and done well, in the past and attempt to refresh the script. So it’s no surprise that reaction so far has been mixed at best, with newcomers generally pleased with the production while old fans are grated by the intrusion of modern slang and inconsistent anachronisms.

However, despite my fondness for Chekhov’s original work, I did not find myself particularly bothered by Upton’s liberty taking with the language. The central themes and the underlying historical context all remain intact, ensconced in the kind of rich character drama that only Chekhov can do so well.

For me, the biggest problem with this production comes from a strange lack of heart. One could argue that it is the director’s intention to cast a cruel and unfeeling light on proceedings; it would even be a fitting reflection of the homogenisation of modernity, the inevitability of which casts a pall upon the characters in this play. Ultimately something feels lost in translation as the fantasy of the old world mentality, epitomised by the luxuriant hubris of land owner Ranyevskaya, fails to contrast effectively with the relentless advent of societal change. In a play where the ties of family and tradition are overwhelmed by the changing times, I found myself oddly unmoved.

The play also contains an uneasy marriage between the naturalism that typifies the work of Chekhov, and symbolism that is part and parcel when it comes to a politically intentioned play such as this. Often this works to good effect, with the complex and often unspoken dynamics between characters mirroring the underlying analogies. However other times it comes off as quite jarring, as with perennial student Tofimov and his penchant for meandering monologues making a stark contrast with the otherwise understated and natural style of dialogue.

Aside from these potential criticisms, however, there is much to enjoy with this production. The acting is generally excellent; Zoë Wanamaker shines in the starring role of Ranyevskaya, while Conleth Hill nearly steals the show as the exasperated businessman Lopakhin. Credit must also go to James Laurenson's tragically layered turn as Gaev and Tim McMullan as loveable moocher Simyonov-Pischik, but above all to the venerable Kenneth Cranham for his effortlessly masterful rendition of the senile Firs.

In addition the stagecraft is fantastic, the set makes good use of the Olivier space, and it's level of detail is a thing of beauty. It is even more impressive as it effortlessly transitions from one seen to the next. The lighting is also pitch perfect and atmospheric, giving a real sense of place and time, while the sound-work also displays a keen attention to natural detail in classic Stanislavskian traditions.

In the end this is a technically adept production which never quite achieves the sum of its fine components. This reworked version of the Cherry Orchard serves as a clear reminder that even when the acting and production is done right, it still takes something extra to really capture the soul of a play, an intangible quality that this production unfortunately lacks.

song of the week: "Battery Kinzie" by "Fleet Foxes"


thing that makes me smile today: Finally getting around to seeing the summer movies.
pic of the day
IN:
Futurama
Daniel Sturridge
X-Men: First Class

OUT:
Family Guy
Nicolas Anelka
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Well it’s been a long time since I made a personal entry on this blog, so I thought I’d just chip in my own inimitable word about the summer, what’s going on with me, and life in general:

I am glad to be back in London after my months of world adventuring, even if I have been working pretty much solid since then, first at the House of Commons and now at Deloitte. Most of you I’ve caught up with recently, but if I haven’t then don’t take offense; I am working 10 hour days at my current job!

Indeed my time in DC was a great experience for a political junkie such as yours truly, and that was just the work part of it. The rest of this trip had everything, from the excitement that comes with exploring a totally new town with new restaurants and attractions, and of course the time honored holiday infatuation (as one does). I could write a whole article about the sights and nightlife of DC, but suffice to say it is a really lovely city, and very reminiscent of a cosmopolitan place like London, albeit on a much smaller scale.

In the meantime, although it may not seem like it lately, it is in fact summer here in big London, and it’s proving to be a good time to renew old acquaintances and make new friends. At first I was disappointed not to have a holiday to go travel abroad as I usually do, but then I realised just how much there is to do in London during the summer. I would have liked to write a bit about the Taste of London festival if I had some time to do so (hint: le Caprice was there, and I could eat there every single day if it weren’t so expensive), the Shoreditch festival is now on if we ever get a sunny enough day to make it worthwhile, and later this month begins the Film4 Festival in London, with cheap tickets for under 25s, on which you’d be a fool to miss out.

As for me, I've started writing again whenever I have a little time, and hopefully will find a little bit of holiday before I begin at law school in September. There’s quite a lot going on right now so expect a few more lengthy blog articles in addition to the regular reviews. I expect I will have a lot to say regarding the News Corp scandal, the 2012 primaries and the upcoming football season in the near future, so stay tuned!

I know a lot of you guys like it when these posts are laced with a bit of drama, but what can I say, it's a very chill time. If you want drama go watch the phone hacking stuff on tv, heck it's more action packed than any of the so called "summer blockbusters" I've seen in the cinema this year.

Genre Folk, Baroque Pop
Label Jagjaguwar
Producers Justin Vernon


When Bon Iver architect Justin Vernon cut himself off in a forest cabin for three months in order to record debut album For Emma, Forever Ago, he ensured that it would go down as a record as notorious for its mythology as its music. It was a tale that complemented the style of music well; sparse, falsetto laden folk musings, with surprisingly evocative lyrics from someone whose band and album names both stem from some really fairly droll wordplay.

The album was critically acclaimed, and Bon Iver became the biggest folk darling since Fleet Foxes, albeit without quite the same level of commercial success. His star has risen considerably since then by positive word of mouth and a bizarre collaboration with Kanye West, and he moves on to his eponymous sophomore effort with the burden of expectation upon him.

Some say that the second album is the most difficult one. From one angle there is the need to maintain the signature style that won over those key fans, and from the other there is the pressure to evolve and avoid accusations of staleness; few bands manage to break these rules and get away with it. Here Veron has managed to find the sweet spot in between these two contrasts.

Those who may have found his early work a little too low key and raw will appreciate Bon Iver’s new sound. Fuller instrumentalisation and lush soundscapes lend an extra panache to Vernon's rustic introspections. The result is something which sounds more sophisticated, yet still as subtly effecting as ever.

Lead single Calgary is the best example of how things have changed; a supremely polished throwback to late 80s new wave, shifting deftly between delicate acoustic lulling and some of the rockier guitar bits on the album. Similarly, opening track Perth takes a more fiery tone with clarion call and civil war style drums, contrasted against Vernon's lush vocals and reverb guitar harmonies.

Meanwhile, Towers stands as one of the traditionally folky songs, with clean picked guitar strums and classic progression before breaking away into a more fluid mid-section, backed by warm string overtures.

Minnesota, WI marks a change with its more groove-laden melodies meshed with dulcet banjo picks and soulful vocals. The name (as with one or two other songs) may spark some curiosity with an album full of tracks mostly named after real world locations, and here we have a strange mishmash of two states. It's actually strangely fitting for an album which fashions a rather dream-like state through its nearly indecipherable lyrics and distorted sound.

The one thing that all of these songs have in common is an almost infallible sense of good taste; there is rarely a bum note or a hackneyed refrain. Vernon shows marked restraint in the way he's crafted these songs, even the more adventurous ones. Often he resists the temptation to indulge in an extra flourish, or he'll build and build, only to play out the track in a sweet and satisfying manner. Indeed the album as a whole is a macrocosm of each carefully thought out bar that at just 10 tracks long, he ensures that it strikes a chord, but doesn't overstay its welcome.


Must Listen
Calgary


Minnesota, WI


Towers


Perth

Developed by 3D Realms, Gearbox Software
Published by 2K Games
Genre First Person Shooter
Platform PC, Xbox 360, PS3, Mac OSX

Well here’s a headline I never thought I’d see. After 14 long years the highly anticipated and much ridiculed continuation of the Duke Nukem series has arrived.



Not to dwell too much on the absurdity of the protracted production cycle that has become the stuff of comedians and journalistic scorn, but this really is one of those stories that falls into the category of “too ridiculous to be true”.

Originally due out before the turn of the millennium, 3D Realm’s obsession with the cutting edge led to repeated delays as the developer sought to shoehorn into the game the latest in first person shooter vogue. When Halo came out, they decided they needed regenerative health (which has since become the norm), when Half Life 2 came out, they decided to include physics puzzles and driving sections. Time and time again this game was torn up and reshaped the name of some misguided pursuit of perfection.

3D Realms were digging themselves into a hole. With an approach and time scale like this, not only would it have been impossible to ever live up to expectations, but with so many complete overhauls and updates, the chances of the end product being even vaguely cohesive or polished was pretty low. It had become pretty much assumed that this game would never see the light of day, and when Gearbox Software bought the IP and pledged to finally release the game this year, there were many who felt that it should have stayed that way.

To an extent these fears may have been well founded, but as it turns out, not as much as some would have you think.

Duke Nukem begins in a suitably bombastic style, with plenty of crude humour and pop culture references to go around, and it sets the tone straight away. Urination, fellatio, pot shots at various celebrities all mark the opening segment of the game, and for fans of the series, it’s pretty fun. However, once the shooting begins it becomes apparent at just how dated a product this really is. This game is really 14 years old and it’s noticeable. The graphics may have been brushed up a bit, but it’s all so rough around the edges, and the shooting mechanics themselves feel unrefined. Add to this a rather inelegant and undeveloped series of features from regenerative health to a clumsy interface and unnecessary driving sections which lead one to wonder if there’s much else here aside from the jokes. The only positive innovation to be found is Duke’s “ego” meter, which fills as the player engages in various Duke-like activities, and I’ll leave you to guess what they might be.

The crux of this criticism lies on the uneasy marriage between old school game play and the staples of modern shooters, and what makes it particularly strange is just how unnecessary a debate it is. Love him or hate him, the defining feature of Duke is that he is an anachronism, a remnant of 80s action genre films, complete with outdated sensibilities, arrogant swagger and witty, but often crude one-liners. This being the case, it is somewhat bizarre that the game would be so desperate to integrate modern features of video games which simply don’t fit, rather than embracing the archaic simplicity of its video game forebears as it does the cinematic.

Ultimately there’s too much time here spent trying to imitate more serious first person shooting games, entirely missing the point of what made Duke Nukem so great to begin with. The true character of Duke Nukem came from the ability to do humorous and fun things, unusual and often pointless though they may be. In Duke Nukem 3D one could use sinks and toilets to regain health, give dollar bills to strippers, use candy machines, ride roller coasters and generally interact with your environment in ways that were quite unique at the time. The environment was really a bigger attraction than the shooting game itself. Such an element is clearly not as special in this day and age as it was 20 years ago, but without it all you really have is a mediocre shooting game with some off colour jokes.

Loves:
Classic Duke silliness
Pop culture references

Hates:
Misses the point of Duke
Unpolished
Dated

song of the week: "Calgary" by "Bon Iver"


thing that makes me smile today: The start of Copa Aemerica!
pic of the day
IN:
Bon Iver
Roberto Di Matteo
Wii-U

OUT:
Mumford and Suns
Ray Wilkins
Wii

Created by Robert Rodat, Steven Spielberg
Starring Noah Wyle, Moon BloodgoodBroadcast date July 5th 2011 (UK)
Running time 45 minutes



When Steven Spielberg attaches his name to a project it's unwise to take it lightly. Over the decades his name has become synonymous with quality, and this extends from his Hollywood milieu into the small screen of television and lately even the video game world.

This latest TV show, Falling Skies is the flagship show for TNT’s new original television programming push, and you can tell they’ve really pulled out all the stops for this one. First we have the involvement of Spielberg, supported by impressive financial backing for a television show, and viral marketing as far as the eye can see, including a 104 page prequel comic set to be released this month.

Co-conceived with Robert Rodat (who you may remember as the screenwriter of Spielberg's film Saving Private Ryan), Falling Skies attempts to broach a new perspective on the classic alien invasion story, this time with a Red Dawn style resistance angle. Whereas we might be accustomed to seeing alien invasion stories focus on the spectacle of the arrival and invasion itself, Falling Skies begins several months after the invasion has taken place, and we have already lost the war. We follow the actions of a desperate group of resistance fighters, struggling to survive in the now alien occupied world. The result is in equal measure part classic war movie, part wasteland survival adventure, and part human drama, with the latter focusing on the innate tensions that arise from disparate personalities and priorities forced to cope under duress and in close quarters.

It’s a smart move for a television show, simultaneously presenting us with a fresh side of a common genre story and avoiding the need for the kind of Independence Day grandiosity that would be impossible to pull off convincingly on a television budget.

For the most part, I found the two hour premiere to be a success. The action looks good and the pacing makes for a compelling narrative. The writers make clear from the start the political thematic context they’re going for, with parallels drawn early on between this conflict and the insurgency movements in Iraq and Afghanistan, particularly the concept that “we don’t need to kill them all, we just need to kill enough”, the show is heavily based around the idea that a determined group of fighters can indeed be a thorn in the side of an advanced occupying army.

But this show is not simply a clumsy political analogy, and indeed there is plenty of material for the writers to work with here, from the rich background mythology that has been set up to the classic human drama which so far appears to be fairly well written. Of course what a show like this really lives and breathes on is a line up of strong characters, and while it’s very early days yet it’s clear that a lot of attention has wisely been given to this aspect of the production, a job made easier by the talented cast, led by familiar face Noah Wyle. However this premiere mostly focused on Wyle’s character, his kids and then just one or two other central characters, and it remains to be seen whether the focus will remain so narrow, or if we will see others being fleshed out in the coming weeks.

On the downside, the slightly cheesy looking aliens and Mars Attacks-like mechanical walkers are a little disappointing, especially when you consider that Spielberg has, in the past, given us some of the most iconic portrayals of aliens in film history. You do get used to it to an extent, particularly when you get up close it doesn’t look so bad, but it is still a pity that they couldn’t have put more effort into creating a more intriguing foe that doesn’t just look like some random “monster of the week” from the Outer Limits.

It’s early days yet, but so far I’m pretty pleased with this show, and I don’t think it would be much of a stretch to say that it’s the best looking new TV show this year, and indeed of the past few years. If the writers can help this show reach its potential and avoid the pitfalls that such genre shows often fall into, then this could be a hit in the making.

Genre Indie-Rock
Label Atlantic
Producers Chris Walla


In recent years, the all-encompassing hype that had built around Ben Gibbard's centrepiece project Death Cab for Cutie has faded to an extent, with just the one album since their 2005 peak, and a relatively underwhelming one at that.

With their latest release, Codes and Keys, the band has wisely decided to shake things up a bit. Phonically sparse, and less guitar-centric than their earlier work, this album sounds more like something from Gibbard's other noteworthy outlet, the Postal Service. The shimmering and elaborate effects mark a definite change, but not necessarily one that is detrimental.

The obvious first single is You Are a Tourist, an addictive and uptempo number filled with delicious pop hooks and youthful lyrics. More than any other song on the album, this is one that epitomises what we have come to expect, and if you're a fan of the band then that is a very good thing.

But that's not to say that things don't go as well when they try something a little different, as is the case with the entrancing Unobstructed Views, a track which takes a page from the recent wave of Oceanic electro-pop in flavour and style, or Monday Morning, a playful, at times spacey song of lovestruck nostalgia.

Then there’s the titular track Codes and Keys, an orchestrated and more elaborate tune that achieves one of the more powerful and melancholy moments on the album, while Underneath the Sycamore will please fans of previous albums Plans and Narrow Stairs and their particular brand of upbeat romanticism.

Ultimately what makes this album a success and an improvement upon more recent efforts is the return of Death Cab’s distinct energy, an optimistic vibrancy that pervades even their more low-tempo or gloomy songs to some extent. Plans had it, Transatlanticism had it. Narrow Stairs did not, but Codes and Keys marks the return to form for Gibbard and co.

The overall proceedings may not be consistently convincing, but with a handful of decent songs and some particularly fine moments the end result is a very worthwhile album and an intriguing hint of where the band might be heading with its next album.


Must Listen
You Are a Tourist


Monday Morning


Codes and Keys

song of the week: "Amor Fati" by "Washed Out"


thing that makes me smile today: Festival season; Taste of London, Greenwich, Film4, etc.
pic of the day
IN:
Washed Out
Andre Villas-Boas
3DS virtual console

OUT:
Bands who pretend to be Washed Out
Guus Hiddink
Wii virtual console

Another season of Premier League football has passed us by, and as always, we at the Ephemeric have gone into a painstakingly detailed analysis of each of the Premiership teams’ seasons, and presented our thoughts on the future.



As predicted it is Manchester United who claim the glory. If we’re being honest, it wasn’t a particularly good season. Few players stood out and no team really looked convincing Champions. Meanwhile the top scorer struck only a meagre 20 goals this year.

We'll begin with our season summary and team of the season, and then follow with a team by team review.


2011 Premier League Summary:

Winners: Manchester United
Relegated: Birmingham, Blackpool, West Ham
Top Scorer: Dimitar Berbatov, Carlos Tevez (20)
Most Assists: Nani (18)
Overachievers: West Brom
Underachievers: Birmingham
Best signing of the season: Javier Hernández
Worst signing of the season: Joe Cole
Player of the Year: Edwin van der Sar
Manager of the Year: Sir Alex Ferguson



2011 Premier Team of the Season:




Goalkeeper: Edwin van der Sar- A fitting sign off for the legendary goalkeeper. Even though his defenders like Vidic and Ferdinand may often end up with the credit, the real hero of Manchester United’s backline this season was this man. Consistent throughout, van der Sar really went the extra mile when it came to the big matches, where heroic series of acrobatic saves earned key victories when most other keepers would have conceded. My player of the year.

Right Back: Bacary Sagna- One of Arsenal’s few bright lights in a season of defensive shakiness. Sagna was back to his marauding best, contributing assists and even a rare goal whilst remaining solid at the back.

Centrebacks: John Terry & Nemanja Vidic- For the centre of defense, two men stand head and shoulders above the rest this year. Vidic was heroic at the heart of Manchester United’s title winning season with an injury hit defense that was rarely at full strength. John Terry meanwhile was back in the headlines for the right reasons after the unwelcome distractions of last year. Rightly reclaimed his England captaincy, and stood strong at the centre of the league’s best defense, conceding only 33 goals.

Left Back: Ashley Cole- No surprise here as the man voted England’s player of the year by the fans was also named in the official PFA team of the season, and with good cause. Cole has been one of the most consistent footballers of the past decade, and continued his fine attacking and defensive form this season.

Right Mid: Nani – In a memorable season for his team, Nani finally found the consistency that his potential always hinted he would be capable of, taking centre-stage in a season of inconsistent form from United’s attackers. Dangerous in front of goal and prolific with the crucial assist.

Centre Mids: Charlie Adam & Yaya Touré- It all ended so disappointingly for Blackpool, but Charlie Adam took his opportunity in the top flight with both hands, establishing his name as one of the league’s top performers and a player who pretty damn near carried his team to survival. A move to a bigger club seems inevitable this summer. Meanwhile Yaya Touré arrived at Man City with the pressure of a big money fee and massive wages, but managed to live up to his billing, particularly in the latter half of the season. An FA Cup winning goal was the least the all action midfielder deserved from his debut in English football.

Left Mid: Luis Suárez – A central figure the Liverpool revival during the second half of the season that saw Kenny Daglish’s team become the form side in the league. Suárez adapted to life on Merseyside far quicker than anyone could have expected and even during his brief half-season became a subject of intense fear for many defenses, not least of all Manchester United, who were torn apart by Suárez in Liverpool’s immense 3-1 victory.

Forwards: Carlos Tévez & Javier Hernández – Despite being regarded as a top quality player, Carlos Tévez is rarely given the same level of attention as a Messi or Rooney. Yet more than any other player he is a man who delivers year after year, contributing goals, assists and invaluable leadership. His future seems to lie away from Man City, and so probably away from England, but truly it would be a crime for him not to be remembered as one of the top, and most underrated players to have graced the Premier League in recent years. Meanwhile Hernández has had a dream debut season for United, not just as an impact sub as he was originally envisioned for this season, but as a leading man for a United side that has at times looked a little more goal-shy than we have come to expect. In key games in particular Hernández always came good when needed, and without the points his winning goals earned, United would not be champions.



Team by team Review



ARSENAL

Predicted Position: 3rd
Final Position: 4th

Another season of stagnation from a team that statistically still hasn’t managed to improve noticeably in recent years, despite the apparent fall in dominance from the top two of Chelsea and Manchester United. It’s becoming a very familiar pattern for Gunners fans: start with low expectations, soar in confidence around January following the traditional big team winter slump, end the season trophiless after a torrid spring.

Arsene Wenger still does what he can with the weak squad depth at his disposal, but patience is starting to wear thin among fans and probably some members of the board after going the better part of a decade without winning anything. The difficulty going forward seems to be attracting the kind of talent that can propel the club back to the top. Arsenal’s weak record in recent years is a turn off for top tier players, competition for top young players has skyrocketed, and all that new stadium money still has to pay off a mountain of debt before it can be put to use in the transfer market. It may be time for the Gunners to accept that Chelsea or Man City style investment is necessary in order to arrest the club’s slide down the table.

Of immediate concern for the club will be the status of Cesc Fabregas, whose poor form reflected the frustrations of a player who really doesn’t want to be at the club anymore. The decision not to sell him to Barcelona last summer now looks a very poor one indeed, especially as his going price is likely to be considerably less this year. On a brighter note, the club seems to have finally solved their long standing goalkeeper dilemma with the emergence of Wojciech Szczęsny. In addition, Van Persie has cemented his reputation as one of the top strikers in the game when fit with his astonishing goal-scoring record, while Samir Nasri finally seemed to mature into a central figure this season, though in both cases there are strong rumours of a move away from the club.

Best Player: Robin Van Persie
Worst Player: Cesc Fabregas
Summer transfer targets: Defenders of all positions, a strong centre-froward


ASTON VILLA

Predicted Position: 7th
Final Position: 9th

A step backwards for the club this year following Martin O’Neill’s falling out with the board. The club slipped further down into mid-table, and it’s hard to see how they will manage to turn the corner in the near future, especially with yet another manager change on the horizon for health reasons.

It is a fitting epitaph, if indeed the cause for O’Neill’s departure was the club owners’ willingness to sell star players, that what remains of O’Neill’s golden boys appears set to follow him out the door this summer, with Ashley Young seemingly days away from a move to Old Trafford.

Best Player: Ashley Young
Worst Player: Stephen Ireland
Summer transfer targets: Replacements for Ashley Young and Brad Friedel.


BIRMINGHAM

Predicted Position: 11th
Final Position: 18th

Many, myself included, expected something of a second season hangover for Birmingham, especially following the departure of Joe Hart back to Man City. Indeed this is precisely what happened in something of a nightmare season which sees the Blues relegated back to the Championship, and their manager Alex McLeish ditching the sinking ship to join arch rivals Aston Villa.

An experienced and steady hand will be needed at the helm in order to stabilise the club and work on getting back to the top flight. A consistent striker will be top of the shopping list, and beyond that replacements will be needed for the likely efflux of key personnel, for example Sebastian Larsson, who has strongly been linked with a move to Arsenal or Sunderland.

Best Player: Sebastian Larsson
Worst Player: Alexander Hleb
Summer transfer targets: Forward, midfield


BLACKBURN ROVERS

Predicted Position: 9th
Final Position: 15th

A season of disappointment after the club’s new Indian billionaire owners mystifyingly sacked Sam Allardyce in the middle of the season. Having been comfortably placed until that point, the club proceeded to slide down into the relegation battle, and only confirmed their retention of top flight status on the final day of the season.

Of pressing concern for the club will be key players who seem set to depart. Hot prospect Phil Jones has already moved to Old Trafford, and star defender Samba seems likely to move to a bigger club in the coming weeks.

It remains to be seen whether new manager Kean can replicate Allardyce’s success at the club, but one thing is for sure, he has his work cut out for him. A lot of uncertainty remains.

Best Player: Chris Samba
Worst Player: El-Hadji Diouf
Summer transfer targets: Defensive cover


BLACKPOOL

Predicted Position: 20th
Final Position: 19th

It all started so promisingly for the club, with a series of exciting performances shattering the pundits’ early pessimism. Unfortunately it didn’t last long, and the second half of the season saw a dramatic nosedive for the Seasiders.

Ian Holloway has done a fine job with the club and deserves credit, but more than that he was a fantastic addition to the top flight, and particularly the match of the day interviews, full of colour. He will be missed.

The worry will be over key players like Charlie Adam, who really made a name for himself this season. Adam will leave the club this summer, having very nearly done just that in the January transfer window. As is usually the case with a relegated club, the focus for this summer will have to be minimising player losses, and reinforcing the squad in order to avoid a Charlton-esque collapse.

Best Player: Charlie Adam
Worst Player: Richard Kingson
Summer transfer targets: Midfield reinforcement


BOLTON WANDERERS

Predicted Position: 10th
Final Position: 14th

Another inconsistent season for the club which nevertheless provided another look at a real up and coming manager in Owen Coyle. Coyle has done well to shake off the post-Allardyce cobwebs that had plagued the club since his departure several years ago, and indeed he pulled off something of a coup in bringing one of England’s brightest talents in years to the club on loan in Daniel Sturridge. A sublime 8 goals in 12 appearances tells the full story there.

But next year Sturridge will be gone, and key defender Gary Cahill will likely be next out the door. New blood is needed at Birmingham in the playing staff, while everything must be done to make sure that Owen Coyle remains at the club for as long as possible, as a move to a bigger team seems likely at some point on the horizon.

Best Player: Daniel Sturridge
Worst Player: Ali el-Habsi
Summer transfer targets: Forward, Defender


CHELSEA

Predicted Position: 2nd
Final Position: 2nd

A history making, record goal scoring, league and cup double last season, coupled with their swaggering champagne football start to the season, made the Blues an early title favourite of most pundits. However such flourishes merely masked over what was in reality a mediocre previous season, filled with silverware mostly because of the poor form of their rivals.

Indeed, these same pundits are now falling over themselves trying to pinpoint exactly where the season went wrong. Many point to the key long term injuries of Lampard, Alex and the November spell where most of Chelsea’s defense were in the physio room on a regular basis. However those who follow the club closely will know that injuries are nothing new for this club, and relatively speaking, this was probably one of the lighter injury lists Chelsea have had in recent years. The trouble is that the club simply were not as good as they had been hyped, and with surprisingly little investment in recent years (a trend which appears to have ended with the signings of David Luiz and Fernando Torres) the club was getting stale.

The real turning point, though, was the unexplained sacking of Assistant Manager Ray Wilkins, a popular and influential figure in the dressing room. It doesn’t take a genius to tell you that firing one half of your double winning management team is going to have repercussions, and worse still when you replace him with Michael Emenalo, a man whose only prior management experience was of an under 11s girls soccer team in the United States. This whole incident is a perfect example of the self destructive hubris and nepotism that all too often seems to characterise how the club is run these days.

In terms of the playing staff; Frank Lampard finally appears to be slowing down, and a replacement is much needed. The same goes for Didier Drogba. Michael Essien’s knees appear to be well and truly shot after years of recurring injuries, and his position at the club must now be called into question, while the likes of Florent Malouda and José Bosingwa appear far too inconsistent to really come up for the team when needed. Young replacements are needed across the shop, while the club will also need to keep blooding their own youth products like Josh McEachran, Daniel Sturridge and Gaël Kakuta. On the plus side, Petr Cech had his finest (and first injury free) season in goal for many years, while new signings David Luiz and Ramires have had a very successful start to their Chelsea careers.

Best Player: Petr Cech
Worst Player: José Bosingwa
Summer transfer targets: Central midfielder(s), Winger(s)


EVERTON

Predicted Position: 8th
Final Position: 7th

More of the same for Everton as David Moyes continues to do a fine job of keeping Everton on the fringes of the big time with no investment from the clubs’ owners and little prospect of that changing.

Louis Saha’s disappointing form has left the club without a serious goal threat, once again, with Jermaine Beckford the next best option. Meanwhile Tim Cahill appears past his best. More concerning will be the potential departure of key players such as Fellaini, Rodwell and above all, Leighton Baines.

There is great potential here for finding investors. Everton is no small brand in the football world and one would think it could be done. On the other hand one wonders how long Moyes will stick around as it becomes ever clearer that there really isn’t any further he can take this team for the foreseeable future.

Best Player: Leighton Baines
Worst Player: Louis Saha
Summer transfer targets: Striker(s)


FULHAM

Predicted Position: 15th
Final Position: 8th

No Roy Hodgson, no top half finish, or so the logic went. Indeed this is exactly how the season was looking for the London side at the start of the season, but Mark Hughes has done a fine job, and key players have continued to impress, most notably American winger Clint Dempsey.

Hughes is gone now after one year, and Martin Jol is the man who will take the reins next year. Jol is an experienced manager and a good choice from the club’s wily owners (Michael Jackson statue not withstanding). Stability is a must over the next few years now if Fulham wants to move forward, but for the time being the club set up appears resilient enough to continue on in such a fashion as we have seen until now.

The fundamentals of the team remain strong, with the capable defense of Hangeland, Hughes and Schwarzer in goal, and the proven attacking talent of Zamora, Dempsey and the promise of youngster Dembélé.

Best Player: Clint Dempsey
Worst Player: Philippe Senderos
Summer transfer targets: More depth up front and in the midfield


LIVERPOOL

Predicted Position: 5th
Final Position: 6th

This season started much like the last one, with Liverpool in atrocious form, leaving fans wondering if mid table was the new normal. Roy Hodgson failed as a manager, and it was not the first time he had been unable to perform on the big stage as well as he does for smaller boutique clubs like Fulham.

Kenny Daglish has come in and done an amazing job in his half season with the club, turning them from the disaster story of the Premier League to a team who will surely be considered title contenders again next season after becoming the form team in the league bar none and rising back into Europa League qualification.

Andy Carroll is a solid if wildly overpriced addition to the team, and Luis Suárez is a marvellous talent for the English league. However, the likes of Poulsen, Cole and Konchesky have been major flops at the club, while captain Steven Gerrard still looks a shadow of his former self. The club is heading back in the right direction, but there is still much work that needs to be done in order to continue Daglish’s fine transformation.

Jordan Henderson is set to make the (also overpriced) switch to Merseyside, while young blood is desired all over the squad, particularly in defense and on the wing.

Best Player: Luis Suárez
Worst Player: Paul Konchesky
Summer transfer targets: Young talent


MANCHESTER CITY

Predicted Position: 4th
Final Position: 3th

A strong season in which Manchester City confirmed that, yes, they can become title contenders in the near future. Mancini has had his doubters, but having won the club’s first major silverware since 1978 in this year’s FA Cup, no one can question his ability to do the job, especially with the financial backing he has at his disposal.

Manchester City seem to be the only club who remain unconcerned with the upcoming financial fairplay rules, and are set to spend big yet again this summer, only this time with the added clout of Champions League football and a real sense of potential for next season.

However if, as it seems, Carlos Tévez is set to leave the club, this would be a massive setback for City’s ambitions. Especially when you consider that temperamental Balotelli and misfiring Eden Dzeko remain the best alternatives at the club. However with Joe Hart excelling in goal and defense that finally looks like they know how to play together, the club has solid foundations upon which to build for the first time.

Best Player: Yaya Touré
Worst Player: Mario Balotelli
Summer transfer targets: Striker(s), depth in defense.


MANCHESTER UNITED

Predicted Position: Champions
Final Position: Champions

It was a memorable year for United in which the club finally clinched their record setting 19th title. Despite this, however, they appeared hopelessly outclassed in the Champions League final against Barcelona, and recorded their lowest points total in the league in years, owing their title victory more to the underachievement of other teams.

Going forward, Sir Alex finally appears to be replacing his aging team, with Scholes retiring, and Giggs surely approaching the end of the road. The likes of Jones, De Gea and Young who all appear set to join the club will make fine additions to the spine he has started with the likes of Jones and Javier Hernández.

Such an overhaul always carries risk, especially when replacing a team that has been around as long as a good 20 years and won everything. However with Ferguson at the helm no one at the club will have any worries whatsoever. What should be a worry is how much longer Ferguson will still be around.

Best Player: Javier Hernández
Worst Player: Rio Ferdinand
Summer transfer targets: Goalkeeper, central midfielder


Newcastle United

Predicted Position: 13th
Final Position: 12th

A predictably solid return to the top flight for the Magpies, marred by the inexplicable sacking of Hughton, the man who after all got the team back to the Premier League and put them in the top half of the table in their first season back.

The sale of star striker Carroll will also be a concern, but Pardew is no slouch as a manager, and he will have a plan and the considerable resources of Mike Ashley with which to fashion a new foundation for top flight football. That is, if he can survive the darker side of Ashley’s ownership.

Top of the hit list will be new attacking talent up front and reinforcements in the midfield as the club seeks to replace outgoing players and Championship quality players.

Best Player: Andy Carroll
Worst Player: Alan Smith
Summer transfer targets: Striker, winger, midfielder


STOKE

Predicted Position: 14th
Final Position: 13th

Another season of great credit for Tony Pulis and his men, whose position in the top flight now looks reasonably cemented. Indeed they even went a step further and reached the FA Cup final where they narrowly lost to Manchester City.

What’s more, the quality of their play has increased enormously over the past year, and the likes of Jermaine Pennant have offered an effective new strategy in addition to Delap’s tried and tested throw ins.

The most amusing black spot on Stoke’s season would be the bungled transfer of Demba Ba, who failed a medical having already agreed terms, only to then sign for West Ham and score 7 goals in 12 games.

Best Player: Robert Huth
Worst Player: John Carew
Summer transfer targets: Striker, fullback


SUNDERLAND

Predicted Position: 12th
Final Position: 10th

Another admirable season for the Black Cats, who managed to maintain course for a top half finish in spite of injury problems and the surprising loss of top scorer and key player Darren Bent. The past few seasons have seen a number of prominent faces coming and going, but the goal must now be to aim for some consistency, both in personnel and ultimately in results on the pitch.

Steve Bruce is a fine manager, and he copes well, but now he must put his available cash to good use in the summer to ensure that the club can maintain the momentum of recent years and solidify their presence in the top half of the table.

Best Player: Jordan Henderson
Worst Player: Boudewijn Zenden
Summer transfer targets: Striker, central midfielder, general squad depth


TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
Predicted Position: 6th
Final Position: 5th

This Tottenham team may have hit a wall. After the high of their first Champions League campaign, achieved by a fourth place finish last season, they were unable to repeat the feat this time around. Nevertheless the club will enjoy fond memories of their exciting campaign in Europe, which saw memorable victories against the likes of Inter and AC Milan before their run was cut short by Mourinho’s Real Madrid.

Ultimately, Spurs were undone by a lack of squad depth, and injuries to key players such as Gareth Bale. Tottenham have a history of heavy summer investment in recent years and this will need to continue if they are to push for the Champions League again. Everyone involved knows that it’s not going to get any easier from here, the level of competition at the top is only increasing, with at the very least the likes of Liverpool, Spurs, Man City, Chelsea, Man U and Arsenal competing for just four places.

The biggest issue for the club going forward will be a lack of quality up front. The always inconsistent Defoe is now not even that, and his alternatives, Crouch and Pavlyuchenko, are simply not Champions League material. On the plus side though the midfield looks very strong, with Rafael Van Der Vaart an absolute revelation this season lining up alongside Bale and Modric.

Best Player: Rafael Van Der Vaart
Worst Player: Jermain Defoe
Summer transfer targets: Striker(s)


WEST BROMWICH ALBION
Predicted Position: 19th
Final Position: 11th

An impressive first year back in the top flight, if a little turbulent at times. Roberto Di Matteo started the season on a strong footing, but quickly lost the plot and with it, his job. Step up Liverpool flop Roy Hodgson, the king of helping small clubs overachieve.

It turns out that WBA have surprising depth in the midfield, and a capable goal scorer in Peter Odemwingie. That will not be enough to ensure continued survival however, and Roy will have to be at his wily best to snap up some reinforcements in this increasingly competitive market.

Best Player: Peter Odemwingie
Worst Player: Marc-Antoine Fortune
Summer transfer targets: More firepower up front, midfield reinforcements


WEST HAM UNITED
Predicted Position: 16th
Final Position: 20th

More self destructive shenanigans from the club’s owners, and the hapless management of a man who has been relegated twice in as many years ensured that this was a disaster of a season for West Ham.

Indeed, many of the players as well must share the blame, but their fate looked all but set in stone as early as Christmas. Now the task falls upon incoming manager Sam Allardyce to work his trademark magic and make a team out of this club, with a return to the Premiership the ultimate prize. There is no question that for once the board has made the right call here, Allardyce is the man to help the club out of this sticky mess.

Scott Parker was the highlight of the season, even if his Player of the Year Award win seems a little odd for a man whose team finished rock bottom of the league. Still, there is no doubt that Parker is a fine player indeed, and one who I was very sad to see depart from Stamford Bridge all those years ago. Now it looks like he will once again move on, this time to a bigger club. Allardyce has his work cut out for him.

Best Player: Scott Parker
Worst Player: Wayne Bridge
Summer transfer targets: Striker(s), a midfield general to replace Parker, all defender(s)


WIGAN ATHLETIC
Predicted Position: 18th
Final Position: 16th

A lot of people’s tip for the drop this season, Wigan’s awful start did little to allay fans’ fears. Still, they somehow managed to keep themselves within touching distance of safety throughout the year, and were rewarded on the final day of the season when they clinched survival in dramatic fashion. Perhaps there is something to this Martinez bloke after all.

This Wigan side is a strange one, often recording wins against the likes of Arsenal and Chelsea, only to stumble against far less taxing opposition. Having players who know how to step up for the big games is key, but they will find their challenge that much harder if, as expected, players like N’Zogbia and Rodallega leave the club in the near future. As such, this may be a summer which requires them to strengthen across the board, or face another struggle for survival next season.

Best Player: Charles N’Zogbia
Worst Player: Chris Kirkland
Summer transfer targets: Reinforcements across the board


WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS
Predicted Position: 17th
Final Position: 17th

I had a feeling that Mick McCarthy would keep this team in the top flight, just about, and that’s exactly what happened, even if it took a late, late goal on the last day of the season to ensure that Wolves will be playing Premier League football next season.

But the club cannot rest on its laurels, even for the summer months, in this day and age. There’s work to be done if they want to ensure survival next season. If they can keep the likes of Doyle, Jarvis and Fletcher on the team then that is a start, and will provide a good foundation upon which to build a team that can push more for somewhere around the midtable.

Best Player: Matt Jarvis
Worst Player: Michael Mancienne
Summer transfer targets: Defensive strength primarily



So there we are for another year, we hope you enjoyed that. Stay tuned for our big preview of next season coming up in August, same time as always. Until then.

Developed by Team Bondi, Rockstar Games
Published by Rockstar Games
Genre Third Person Action/Adventure
Platform Xbox 360, PS3

Team Bondi of Rockstar Games are better known as the developers of the landmark Grand Theft Auto series, games which garner as much attention for their controversial elements as their advancements of the open world genre. But this time they're abandoning the life of crime for a career in law enforcement.



In LA Noire you play Detective Cole Phelps, an ex-war hero and hot shot up and comer in the LAPD. You work your way from the patrol beat through various desks as you uncover the dirt and grime on the seedier side of Los Angeles.

The game setting itself features a large and fully explorable recreation of Los Angeles, complete with recognisable landmarks and many of Rockstar's trademark parodies on pop-culture.

Anyone familiar with the Grand Theft Auto series will be immediately familiar with the gameplay and controls, from shootout scenes to driving through the streets.

However, the real meat and potatoes of the game involves examining crime scenes for evidence and interviewing witnesses/suspects. The former is classic adventure game fare, scour game areas for clues, use the analog stick to examine objects from every angle and general puzzle solving. The latter though employs the all new facial animation technology that has set the media ablaze.

LA Noire features some quite sophisticated multi-camera full facial scanning, which renders the characters in-game with an astonishing level of realism and detail. The quality of the graphics themselves are nothing special at all (still based on the old GTA IV engine) but with facial animation this detailed there really are times when one can't believe that they are simply watching a videogame. The main application for this in-game is for interviews, where players will have to watch and scrutinize every slightest facial tick and expression in order to determine whether or not the person is being entirely forthright.

The other very entertaining result of this new technology is that it makes the actors used to model the in-game characters extremely recognizable, and throughout the game players will experience numerous "oh hey it's that guy from that tv show/movie" moments. It also helps that Rockstar have assembled a very talented cast, featuring instantly recognizable actors from shows like Mad Men, Scrubs, Lost, Heroes, and Fringe. It all lends LA Noire a cinematic quality unlike anything seen before in video games.

For the most part this all works pretty well; the detective aspects are all very rewarding and entertaining, and the experience as a whole is a pleasure. But LA Noire still suffers from many of the engine and gameplay issues that previous Rockstar titles have had, particularly with the driving and shooting scenes. In addition, LA Noire's story itself is surprisingly lacklustre, considering Rockstar are widely known for the high quality and pacing of their narratives, LA Noire seems oddly half-assed and uninspired.

In particular LA Noire has serious pacing problems in the second half of the game, after hitting a real high point with the fantastic homicide desk missions, the latter parts of the game feel like a bit of a step down in terms of excitement and spectacle. In addition, the backstory of the main protagonist Cole Phelps seems strangely thin, which becomes a real problem in the later parts of the game when personal events are suddenly and bizarrely thrust centre-stage with almost zero previous build up. This lack of basic story-telling technique makes it difficult to really care about what happens, and it's a surprising lack of finesse from a developer renowned for so much more.

It is also worth noting that despite the big explorable city in which the game is set, this is not an open world game, and there is in fact very little to do in the big city aside from traditional "collectible" hunting which is of no real consequence other than for completionists. This plays into the bigger issue that comes from the lack of replayability. For obvious reasons, once you've played the game and solved the cases, there is little suspense in playing them again.

Still, aside from these issues LA Noire is more hit than miss. The story may be underwhelming, the but the incredible cinematic polish with which it is presented makes it a joy to play through, if for no other reason than it's something new and exctiing for videogames.

A far more lasting legacy from this game will be the animation technology, and if nothing else, LA Noire serves as an exciting example of what's to come.


Loves:
Amazing facial animation
Top notch presentation
Clever and innovative gameplay

Hates:
Surprisingly weak story and characters
Nothing to do in LA
Short, not much replay value

Genre Indie-Pop
Label In the Name of Columbia
Producers Cults, Shane Stoneback



Cults initially burst onto the scene about two years ago now amid a flurry of hype and an air of mystery. While their world beating hit Go Outside made the rounds online and eventually on our televisions and radio (I can't imagine there's anyone who hasn't heard it by now), not a whole lot was actually known about the band aside from that which was gleaned from a sparse Bandcamp webpage with just the one song listed.

Now that their debut album is finally complete it remains to be seen whether the band will manage to live up to the imposingly high standards they have set for themselves, or if this will simply be another disappointment as seen with similarly hyped bands like Tennis.

The band consists of two students from New York, Brian Oblivion and Madeline Follin, but aside from that there is not a whole lot that is known about the people behind the music. Theirs' is a retro sound, mingling the style of modern indie-pop with the low-fi aesthetic of the 1960s. The trouble is, while this may have been all the rage back when Go Outside first came to our attention, low-fi boy/girl duos are quite common nowadays following the likes of the XX, Tennis and the Kills. Indeed Cults may be a victim of their own sluggishness in following up the hype.

For the most part though, the eponymous debut delivers everything that one could have hoped for, and in many ways exactly what was expected. Much of the album follows the same path as their breakout hit, with songs like Most Wanted and Oh My God refining the band's taste for melodies that are catchy but sweet, and lyrics that are wistful and universally sentimental. These lyrics are not high art, but they are evocative in their simplicity, as anyone who has heard Go Outside will agree.

That song evoked positivity and celebrated a passion for living, along with perhaps a twinge of teenage petulance; on the whole it's a conceit that the band sticks to through much of this album. As such you can expect to hear this one described frequently as a "summer album" as the cliché goes, and frankly I think few would argue with that.

Equally noteworthy are the songs where the band goes a bit more offbeat as with the infectious Never Saw the Point which makes use of some of the more euphoric stylings of modern pop as it crescendos up until its final moments.

But in this humble writer's opinion the best song on the album is its darkest sounding, but again deceptively positive track: You Know What I Mean. This powerful moment gives us a taste of what Sinead O'Connor or the Supremes might sound like with today's synth and modern sensibilities, except this is far better even than that.

So in the end this is one highly anticipated album which did not disappoint, even if it's not the world shattering debut that one might secretly have hoped it would be.


Must Listen
Go Outside


You Know What I Mean


Never Saw the Point

song of the week: "Hide and Seek (acoustic cover)" by "Antoine Dufour"


thing that makes me grimace today: One of "those" days.

pic of the day
IN:
Cults (the band)
Tennis (the sport)
LA Noire DLC

OUT:
Tennis (the band)
Cults (the crazy shit)
Read Dead Redemption DLC