Sunday, 30 August 2009
Throughout history, mankind has prophecized their own destruction. From the Holy Bible, to Nostradamus on an LSD trip to Y2K, disaster (the kind featuring death, destruction, and hardcore graphic nudity) always seems to be just around the corner.
Yet so far none of these doomsayers' theories have come to pass. And indeed that poor record seems set to continue as 2012 approaches, despite our best efforts to misinterpret the Mayan calendar... or is it Aztec? Who really cares anyway right?
But this time, we have a really good feeling that our doom is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER(!) The signs are all around us and we would all be foolish to ignore them. So today we present our top 5 list of signs that our species is doomed to extinction in the near future.
As apocalyptic theories change, so do our depictions of the horsemen.
5. More Money is Spent on Toothpaste Research than Cancer Research
We live in a world where big corporations like Colgate and Aquafresh spend millions and millions on research and development every year, because quite frankly our smiles aren't white enough yet and rather than that being attributed to lazy slobs who can't be bothered to brush it's quite clearly the fault of poor tooth cleaning technology.
Your Government's research funding at work.
In the meantime you may have noticed those cancer research adverts on the tv asking for mere pennies a week. Because clearly treating something that kills a couple thousand people every day is less worthy of spending money on than a new toothpaste formula where the awful taste stays in your mouth for a few minutes less.
Scenario for destruction: The annual incidence of cancer increases exponentially, especially after it is discovered that the new "flavorless, ultra-white, makes your breath smell like lavender and sunshine" toothpaste formula contains about 95% carcinogens.
We all die slowly, but with one heck of a smile.
Doom-o-meter Rating: Low
More and more, ours is a world ravaged by the putrid plague of douchebaggery. We've all seen them, grease dripping hulks with spiky dyed hair, fake tan and enough piercings to melt an airport security scanner.
Homo Scrotius in its natural habitat.
Clubs all over the world are over run with this blight like barnacles on a ship hull. Harrowing tales of thrusting choads and violence fueled by roidrage abound, the pandemic appears to be spreading at a rate that would put swine flu to shame.
Scenario for destruction: The human race slowly dwindles in numbers as innocent women are in the thrall of closet homosexual bags whose reproductive capabilities have long since been devastated by steroid abuse.
The rest of us slowly die off as a result of TAG body shot and $3 cologne induced asphyxiation.
Doom-o-meter Rating: High
3. the Hadron Collider
The Big Bang was pretty fucking cool when you think about it. Picture a 14 billion year old explosion so big our planet is still spinning from the shock, as well as everything else in the known universe. Doesn't that sound like something you want to do a couple of miles under Switzerland? Seriously what's the worst that could happen?
Scientists reckon that they can build a bigger bang by firing protons at each other really really fast, about a million of them in fact. Apparently it will teach us a lot of new things about particles... and stuff. Unfortunately it will only be observable in 15 billion years by the people that evolve in the new universe we create... and then they'll try to recreate the bang using a super collider, and you see where this is going.
But then again, they can't even get the damn thing to turn on!
Scenario for destruction: Particles collide, a chain reaction occurs that the eggheads can't contain, and the planet explodes in a cloud of sparkly dust.
We all die, quickly this time.
Doom-o-meter Rating: Mild
It's the American dream, hell it's the dream of people from any country, complete freedom. 4chan's /b/ messageboard offers a forum for completely unfettered freedom of expression. Surely the result can only be a utopian realization of this dream?
Abandon all hope, ye who tread.
Instead, 4chan has become a melting pot for all of the most depraved minds of humanity. It is here that most of the internet memes find their root, and anything else you find here will likely be 'shock images', ie cartoon porn, racist jokes, pictures featuring excrement, nudity and all of the above rolled into one. In short, it is a dark place that may destroy the mind of any sane individual, be warned.
Scenario for destruction: Depending on who you talk to, 4chan is either a 'dangerous terrorist organization (according to Fox news, but then they think everyone's a terrorist) or an invading alien armada (according to Scientology). At the very least it's a soul sucking weapon of mass destruction that will scramble all our brains.
Either way, we all die horribly.
Doom-o-meter Rating: Very High
1. Sarah Palin
The single biggest sign that mankind is doomed to destruction can only ever be the one and only Caribou Barbie. She's a maverick, she's a moron, she can see Russia from her house... come on, you all know her!
Our 45th President?
Good Lord, what more can be said about Sarah Palin than has been already? She doesn't read any newspapers, which might explain why she's so clueless, she practically invented the death panel rumor, and she writes such embarrassingly cheesy tweets that Conan had to bring in the Shat to 'sing' them. She is a complete unmitigated disaster and probably less qualified than about 90% of the population to be President.
But what is truly scary is that there are people out there who actually support her! Polls show that she is actually the preferred candidate for President amongst Republicans, with around 25% supporting her. Sure, 25% of what little remains of the Republican party is probably like 10 people but even that is fucking scary and simply unbelievable.
Scenario for destruction: Have you ever seen the movie Idiocracy? Go watch it and all shall become clear.
We may not die horribly, but we'll probably commit hari kari.
Doom-o-meter Rating: HOLY SHIT RUN!!!