james debate
james debate

Thursday, 17 May 2007

It does no good for me or anyone else if I were to rant about what has happened to me as of late. Most of the people reading this will already have some idea and indeed all that matters is that I had to cut out someone very dear to me. It was not an easy thing to do, even though she had done such inexcusably terrible things. Both our lives have been turned upside down and the shockwaves will still be felt a long time from now.

And all this caused by a single decision, one impulsive act so easily swayed by any number of psychological details at any one moment. I can not imagine what it is like to have to look back at one poorly made decision and realise that it may have cost me everything in my entire life, and yet she does. This is why in retrospect it may be harder on Carol than me.

I won't lie; even though I liked her, I never would have claimed that she was a one of a kind girl or that if I lost her I would never meet someone like that again. From my point of view she has shown that she does not deserve what I have to give her and it's as simple as that; I remove myself from the situation and move on to girls more worthy of my time. Meanwhile from her eyes she's insecure, naive and weak, lacking any form of real confidence, which probably contributed to the state of mind that led to this mistake. On top of this now she must live with what she's done, live with her one poor decision having resulted in all of this, and all of a sudden remorse and doubt starts to creep in. She worries that she'll never have a better chance to be happy or to find someone she likes as much (not helped by how other people act- see later), and she must live knowing that no one will ever look at her the same again, and it makes her feel alone and worthless. This is why i would urge these people to try and remember that she was once a decent person and to still be there for her, because she is going to need it.

The other flipside of all this is how it effects my relationships with everyone else. On the very first day this happened a formerly close friend of mine told me 'at least now I can hang out with you again'. Here I was never aware that I was keeping people at a distance but she wasnt the only one who felt this way, and now all of a sudden I feel free to branch out again. I also get the impression that certain girls who were distancing themselves from me are now beginning to let loose. Since I broke up with Carol 5 days ago I have been flirted with relentlessly, even by Carol's own friends! Needless to say this has left her in a terrible state.

The result is highly ironic, where this nightmare scenario has left my life arguably better off than it was before, and her's in ruins. I am trying to forgive her, I hope all of you can too.

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